The "Off Menu" Menu of Me

It has been a dream of mine to be a guest on the Off Menu podcast. Like many people, I am a big fan and have my Wednesdays brightened up when I see they have released an episode. So, I thought, for this week’s post, I would run you through my Off Menu menu. 

(There is no secret ingredient because I’m writing this so, it’s my rules. Haha)

Still or Sparkling Water? 

“Still. Obviously. I think that sparkling water taste like nothing. There’s a kind of sour taste I get with it. And I don’t want that. No one wants that. There’s an air of fanciness that comes with sparkling water and I’m not fancy enough for it, let’s be real.”

Popadoms or bread, Mia, popadoms or bread?! 

“Bread! The best bread I have ever had is from Albert’s Table in South Croydon. But, I think that restaurants never give you enough. To be fair, I am an absolute gannet when it comes to bread and butter. But it’s like, leave the bread basket and feck off. Don’t watch me devour basically a whole loaf of bread. But for my dream menu, I wouldn’t want the bread from Albert’s Table. I would like a, slightly warm, loaf of tiger bread with Kerrygold’s butter. Please and thank you.” 

Dream Starter: 

“For my starter please, genie. I would like to have a tall bowl of chicken and sweetcorn soup. Now, I see you’re looking confused by the tall bowl idea. What I mean is, a bowl with high sides. Not a shallow bowl but a deep bowl so I can get a proper scoop of the soup. I would prefer it to be from my local Chinese takeaway since I think they have perfected the recipe and I don’t care for the microwave ones from Tescos, even though I will still have it. This soup have been a staple of my Chinese takeaway order since I was little and will remain as my must-have until I ultimately get bored of it and change it to something else. But that as my starter, thank you.”

Dream Main Course:  

“For my main course, I thought about it for a while, I would like to have a full roast dinner. I thought about some of the fancier meals I’ve had and they just weren’t part of my dream menus, I just want a banging roast dinner. Now, for the meat of the roast dinner, I would like to have pork belly with crackling. But only a little square of it, it’s the trimmings I care about the most. I, personally, think it’s the best part of a roast dinner. The trimmings I would like are; roast potatoes made by my sister, cauliflower cheese, carrots that are very slightly crunchy still, parsnips can fuck off they’re gross, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings and a thick gravy. None of this jeu business, a nice thick coat of gravy. Questions? So, my sister makes the roast potatoes by par-boiling them and smashing them a little bit with a jar. Then, plonks them into super duper hot oil. Maybe a little bit of flour sprinkled over them. And for the cauliflower cheese, I wonder if I could be a bit cheeky. It’s not something that actually exists yet but, I would like the cauliflower cheese to be as if it was made at Flat Iron. Yep, the steak restaurant. I don’t think they do a cali-cheese but if they did, that’s what I’d want in my roast. Oh yeah, parsnips, they taste like soap. Next question. I don’t understand you’re hatred for Yorkshire pudding, they’re amazing. Soft and fluffy while having a bit of crunch. And you can load other foods in it and dip it into the gravy, delicious. That’s what I want and that I shall have!”

Dream Side dish: 

“Okay, so I know with the roast dinner I have a lot of sides already. But, I want a separate side and if I could have the thing where I magically don’t feel full then I would appreciate it. For my side dish, I would like a plate of anchovies that have been covered in a garlic and chilli olive oil with a wedge of lemon on the side of the plate. Now, there is a lovely little tapas place near me called Las Fuentas and they have these anchovies there. I’m not entirely sure if they are actually anchovies but whatever they are, I want them. There’s like five or six on a plate but for me, I would need there to be an even number on the plate. Because I have to eat on both sides of my mouth. So you start on my left side of my mouth and will alternate bites so that it’s even and it ends with he last bite of food being on the right side of my mouth. It’s just how I’ve always eaten, not really sure why I do it but I do. Well, if I don’t eat evenly, I feel a bit lopsided for the rest of the day and then the next thing I eat will have to start on the right and blah blah blah. It’s just easier to do it properly. But that’s what I would like for my side.” 

Dream drink: 

“Right. I have two. One that has alcohol in it and one that doesn’t. Both are amazing and I recommend them both. The alcoholic one is a Margarita I had at Hemingway’s in Wimbledon. It was amazing and I got absolutely smashed on them at a staff Christmas party where I also sang Proud Mary. I had about five of them, but I only had two drinks tokens but everyone else was either written off by the bar staff or they just snuck more token to me. I think someone found the pot they were being kept in and just handed my loads. But I have such a knack for not buying a single drink on nights out. I’m like really good at it. It’s not even like friends will by me drinks, it’s more that I will be handed drinks by staff or that I’ll have a friend behind the bar who just gives me loads. Okay, the non-alcoholic one is a juice from Joe & The Juice. It’s called a Green Mile and it has avocados, broccoli, spinach, apple and technically lemon but I’m going to swap out the lemon for some pineapple and I’m going to add kale. This is recipe that I have perfected over the last few months by drinking many of the Green Miles. So, if I’m allowed, I would like both of them please.” 

Dream Desert: 

“Right. Now, I’m not going for a cheese board. I like cheese but just not enough for it replace desert. Now, for my desert. I would like a portion of Sticky Toffee Pudding with no raisins and with hot custard please. That is what I would like. Simple end. 

However, I would like a change of location for my desert. I would like to be sat outside a slightly quiet road, just outside of the restaurant. I would like a small vanilla latte to have while I have my desert.”

And that’s it. That’s my dream menu. I recommend playing this with friends. Especially during a long shift at work, it really helps the time go by :)